Where is your God now?

This is a serious post.  Having had struggled with it this past year and having friends and family on my mind I am going to talk about it. I feel so many people stuggle with this question weather they want to admit it or not.  I think it's a very normal questions and we may ask it multiple times throughout out lifetime.  I simply hope it can bring some comfort to anyone who is struggling with this question now.

As a Christian I believe that God is good all the time and all the time God is good.  Do I always agree with Him?  No, of course not but that is because I will never be able to wrap my brain around the omniscient of Him.  Do I get angry with God? Of course I do but looking back on so many times in my life I have come to realize that God allows things to happen for a reason.  This in no way makes some of our daily trials any easier but that is part of faith…trusting He knows what is best for me even if that include growing pains, even if that means waiting for things much longer than we would prefer.

One of the hardest questions I get asked as a Christian is, “where is your God when bad things happen?  How could such a loving and good God allow such evil or allow such horrible things to conspire among the human race?”  My honest answer to you is I honestly don’t know, but I believe those things that happen, are not God’s will but the lack of Him in that moment.  Unfortunately He gave us the gift of free will and some have chosen to abuse that privilege. He loves you and I so much that he sent his son to die for us so that we can make our own choices in life.  Not everyone makes the choices that you and I would make.

From personal experience I believe although bad things can happen to good people there is a big picture, and we may never get to see that fully, nor understand it.  There is a saying “Its hard to see the forest through the trees” this is so true.  While amongst term oil it’s hard to remove yourself and see how on earth God could allow for something to happen and ask “if He loves me why He would do this to me?  How can good come of this?”

This past year I went through some very difficult changes and faced many challenges…some of them daily.  Very painful realities and choices were made.  Can I say I made the right choices?  I don’t know.  Was I swollen with anger? very much so and regret to say I did not always react in the way that a true Christian would, but I am not perfect and pray that I will be forgiven for my sins.  Did I yell at God and question His plan?  Yes I did; numerously.  I can remember on several occasions dropping to my knees and sobbing why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  I can remember crying in bed every night asking God to fix what He had done.  To somehow find the rewind button in my life so I can go back and fix everything.  I look back at those events and honestly still carry some bitterness but wounds take time to heal and I still need to hand it over to God in order to complete be free of it. 

The big picture is that had some of those events not happened other events could have turned out much differently.  Had those events not conspired I may not have been able to rush my mother to the ER when she had her brain aneurism this summer.  Had those events not conspired I may not have been able to take Paisley to the best hospital in town and had her treated so quickly and effectively for her unusual staph infection or have her on the insurance program that I did and be swimming in thousands of dollars of debt.  Had things turned out differently my little sister may not have been able to accept a new job and have the opportunity to move to a nice condo that my parents had originally gotten for me and raise her son.  I might not have my son.  These are all the good things that happened all because of some poor choices of other individuals.  But I’m so blessed that I have my son, so blessed that I have my mother, so blessed to have a glimpse at what God was able to do with those events as terrible as they were at the time.  I in no way would want to repeat that experience but I feel that I have grown in so many ways because of it.

To those of you who ask me, or even those of you who believe the same things I do and yet still ask God why.  Have faith, trust that He knows what is best no matter how painful it may be, no matter how long you must wait.  God is a very gracious God if we allow Him the time to do what he needs to do. 

Lord, we thank you for all the blessings in our lives.  We thank you for the grace that has been and will be shown us.  We thank you for sending your son to cover our sins no matter how big or how small they may be.  Thank you for the trial and tribulations we must face as it only brings us closer to you and reminds us how much we need you.  Thank you Lord

Amen

Santa Visit

So we took the kids to see Santa this morning.  Its funny to watch the girls reactions.  All season Bianca keeps talking about wanting a Faline toy (female Bambi friend) but “Santa” can’t find one anywhere…not even the internet!  So I plant a bug in Bianca’s ear that she should ask Santa for a toy hamster in a ball.  All morning all she can talk about is going to see Santa and what she is going to ask him.  We are standing in line and she is getting more and more excited to see this great man in a red suit with jingle bells on his sleeves.  Its finally our turn to go sit on Santa’s lap and all of sudden it hits her…she is not to sure she wants to sit on his lap…Paisley doesn’t even want to walk up to him.  So I’m carrying Gage, dragging a crying Paisley and trying to convince Bianca to get even close enough to shake his hand.  Then he pulls out the candy cane basket and the mood changes a little Bianca comes up and is now willing to entertain the idea of standing next to Santa.  Paisley still wants nothing o do with the man who will bring her gifts…so we bribe her with candy to stand next to Bianca and quickly pass Gage off too in hopes of a picture.  The “elf” jingles a reindeer and a quick flashy flashy we are done.  Santa asks Bianca what she wants for Christmas but she is so star struck she just stands there in aw.  He asks her if she would like a baby doll, but she is still silent.  We wish him a Merry Christmas and are on our way.  We pay for our pictures and start to head to the pretzel stand (cause you can’t go to the mall without a pretzel)  We make it about 10 or 12 steps away before Bianca breaks into tears.  I stop and bend down to ask her what’s wrong and she says to me “I didn’t tell Santa I wanted a hamster!  I don’t want a baby!”  I smile and tell her that Santa is very busy today but that after her nap we can write him a letter to remind him that she wants a hamster, but he probably already knows she wants a hamster cause Santa knows everything….with a couple more sobs we make it to the pretzel stand and all is well.  The pictures turned out well considering we almost didn’t get one with Paisley in it…pricey but can you put a price on great memories?  BJ’s comment about the pictures pricing was “man last time I got robbed it was by a man in a mask!”  All in all it was great day and one to stick into the fun file J

Blessed is me

BJ is out of town this week so it’s just me & the kids.  It’s been a rough week so far since each night they all ask for Daddy & when he is coming home.  I decided that we needed a movie night, so all four of us piled into my bed & pulled the covers up.  So now we sit here watching Toy Story 3.  I realized how great my kids are.  Not that I don’t love them all the time but its these moments that really warm my heart & remind me how lucky I am to have such love bugs.  Gage ate & is now fast asleep next to me.  I hope he stays that way cause Paisley keeps wanting to touch the Lion decal on his pajamas & give him kisses J  When I started the movie Bianca & Paisley were very animated saying “uh oh” when Buzz slices Mr. & Mrs. One Eye’s car in half, & Bianca keeps telling me who is not very nice J.  Now granted they keep getting in & out of bed and I have to keep telling them to be quiet so Gage wont wake up.  But who can resist smiling when both girls bust into dance when Ken is trying on clothes for Barbie J  I’m sure they will wake up too early for me in the morning and have a fight by 6:30 am but I love these kids and can’t imagine my life without them.  Thank you Lord for the blessings in my life!

Is it just me?

I’m sure we have all asked this at one point or another….Is it just me?!?!?!  Well…I’m here asking that same question as a mom.  I feel like my kids put me through so much at times.  I look back now at most of the situations and laugh…but during or short after I sit there either steaming, crying, blushing from embarrassment, or laughing cause there is nothing else to do.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about read on cause I will take you back through all the crazy moments my kids can look forward to hearing about in years to come and laughing till we all cry. J

Most memorable and easiest to laugh at now was Bianca’s Desitin adventure.  This was soon after I had had Paisley so sleep was hard to come by (just a little disclaimer for myself )  BJ woke up early to take his mom to the airport.  Bianca had woken up early too, and instead of getting up with her I brought her into bed with me in hopes of catching a few more Z’s.  When I woke up I remember feeling Bianca’s arm and it was sticky….and I thought to myself….”why would she be sticky?”  then my nose kicked in and I thought “where do I know that smell……..oh that smells like butt cream….BUTT CREAM!!!!!”  At that realization the adrenaline kicked in.  I was wide awake at this point…and as I surveyed the damage, I realized I needed my camera and fast.  I quickly took a few snap shots of my very proud two year old COVERED in white Desitin.   After taking the couple of pictures I began to comprehend the damage that had occurred during that short time I had thought my daughter was sleeping in bed next to me.  Apparently after I had dozed back off she had opened my nearly full jar, not tube, jar of oil based, not water, oil based jar of Desitin.  After opening she proceeded to rub handfuls into her face, into her hair, on her pajamas both shirt and pants.  Then she decided the room needed a make over as well.  She took more handfuls of oil based Desitin and rubbed them into our carpet, bedding, her teddy bear, onto the side railings of the bed…oh yes…and the cat.  Poor Rascal.  It took me, my mom and our steam cleaner a full 7 hours to clean it out with 12 bottles of rubbing alcohol and a full bottle of eco size shampoo to get most of it out…it never came out completely.

You would think that one child could only cause so much damage in one’s lifetime….but I’m quickly discovering that Bianca will be the one who pushes the limits in all she does.  2 weeks before we were to move out of our apartment she used a permanent marker to color her white carpet…and she lives by her dad’s philosophy of go big or go home so she colored an area measuring close to 3 feet by 5 feet.  That too took hours of scrubbing with hairspray and rubbing alcohol.  She cut her hair twice in one month to the point of almost no return…right up front to her scalp…Its slowly growing back but again this girl pushes the limits.

This next one I hope happens to all parents at least once because I feel like my children do it monthly.  You are at the store with a full cart and at least one of those items is a MUST have for the week, and your child decides they have had enough.  They are done shopping and you should be too.  By the time they let you know this though you are praying to find a short line but at Wal-Mart there is no such thing.  Your child lays on the floor flopping around like a dying fish kicking and screaming that they want a toy or tic tacs or something you have denied them.  Then you realize the shortest line you have hopped into is short for a reason whether she moves slower than your grandmas turtle or the person checking out has decided to separate their order in to 4 so they can pay separately…or whatever.  So you stand there for 20 minutes watching your child perform for on looking customers.  Then for toppers they fall asleep in the car before you get home and won’t take a nap the rest of the day.

As a mom of three young children you have no privacy….none!  you can’t eat, poop or sleep without interruption.  You become accustom to playing peek-a-boo while in the shower in hopes to entertain them and keep them from poking each other’s eyes out before you get out.  You give up on closing the door to use the facilities cause as soon as you sit down it will burst open with someone screaming crying or coming to tattle on the other.  Sleep….what is that again?  Oh yes, that the thing that people without kids get to rest or recuperate.  Then there are just simple things like trying to work out in your living room.  You lay down to do crunches or lift weights and you suddenly become a human jungle gym.  You try step or walking aerobics and you can’t benefit cause your kids always seem to get up the same time as you no matter how early you got up and want to stand where you need to kick, walk or jog. 

Maybe my kids are just the most impatient kids on earth but as soon as they even think I’m going to the fridge to get them milk they start whimpering and crying and whining that they need milk, because they woke up or just ate lunch all but 2 minutes prior.  But as soon as I need them to sit down for a meal or change their diaper they are nowhere to be found, or the selective hearing kicks in.  Murphy’s law is more like a matter of fact in my house anymore.  If the hot water heater went out or I bathed them before something important Paisley will rub grapes into her hair or find a long lost chocolate that needs to be rubbed into her ears.  If the kids know I forgot the diaper bag, someone will have a blow out and need to be changed at the most inopportune time…that’s just the way it is.  If you put picture clothes on before you get there, something will get on them before the snap shots begin weather its spit up, milk, juice, markers, cookies, crackers you name it….my kids will find a way to get it on their clothes or mine.

I could write a book from all my experiences (and maybe I will)…these are just a handful of stories but someone please tell me it’s not just me…………….none the less I love them dearly and look forward to all the adventures that await us :)

Holiday Blues

Holidays….one word with so much baggage.  For us the holidays are crazy as we have so many families to squeeze into our short trips.  We recently took the journey back to Denver for thanksgiving.  We had a great time but were glad to get home.  I feel so guilty like we have a checklist of people to see and like we don’t get quality time with any of them.   It’s hard and part of me dreads that same flustered feeling at Christmas…but I still want to go back and see everyone.  We are both very family oriented people so we can’t imagine not seeing everyone.  This year seems especially special since I have so much to be thankful for with Paisley and my Mom and health.  The family makes all the stress worth it J

There is the financial pressure too.  With me not working now we are on a tight budget.  Luckily I always try to start a couple of months early so we can space out our purchases.  We only have stocking stuffers for the girls left but I have to wait for one more paycheck before I can do that.  And I usually get all my cousins a small gift but with 8 of them it adds up fast and we will not have it in our budget this year to do that.  I feel bad like I’m letting them down, but I’m sure it will be ok.  BJ and I are forgoing presents for each other this year too.  We are thinking of postponing our Christmas/birthdays gifts till after our taxes.  The color on one of our TVs went out so we are hoping there will be some good deals then and we can do that for our presents to each other ;)  I’m tired of looking at green food on the food network channel…green steak is not appealing J

Then last but first on my mind is the food of the holidays.  Since starting my work out and dieting efforts I lost two pounds before we left for Colorado but upon returning have put both back on.  Granted I didn’t work out on our trip like I had before we left and eating was just too hard to manage with all the meals we were served.  But I’m still frustrated that I’m not getting the results I want.  It’s like the first thing the holidays bring to mind is food.  Ug!  Plus it’s so hard to eat salad while BJ and the kids chow down on chili dogs or even chicken nuggets seem tasty and the kids eat snacks all day long and if you see my kids they are still little bean poles…Maybe I’m just making excuses, but to me they are frustrations.

Other happenings in our life are not too exciting.  Bianca’s potty training has been going very well and as a reward she got to pick out a beta fish (it’s actually our second set as our first ones died while we spent time in the hospital for Paisley).  She names them mommy fish and daddy fish :0p .  We got our tree up and the biggest battle is keeping the ornaments on as they always seem to find themselves in little hands.  Yesterday I told her we could decorate after her nap and I sent her to bed…5 minutes later she comes out to tell me she had a good nap….nice try missy…ps she never took her nap but we still decorated and she just went to bed early.  Paisley is good….feisty as ever and full of spunk and then there is my little angel Gage who is just so perfect!  Every day I have to pinch myself because I can’t imagine being so blessed!

Feel the Burn

Well as hard as it was after staying up too late watching TV with BJ, I got up out of bed at 6 this morning.  I took out the trash and popped in my workout tape…well I guess it’s a DVD but same difference.  I walked the first mile of a two mile walk then did the strength exercises.  I felt the burn for sure.  I know it will get easier the more I do it….just hard the first couple of times.  I want to walk the second mile this afternoon.  It’s so hard and frustrating to try to work out with kiddos.  This morning the girls kept standing in front of the TV and stepping on my hair.  Yesterday when I was walking they wanted to do it with me which was cute at first, but then they were getting in my path of motion which just makes the workout hard.  I’m hoping that they begin to see how repetitive this tape is and will get bored with it and choose to watch the chipmunks or something in their room. 

Bianca is doing well with the potty training!  No accidents for a couple days now.  I can already feel the relief in my wallet only having to put a diaper on her at night!  Today is Gage’s 4 month appointment…I get excited to see the progress he is making but it breaks my heart to have to hold them for shots.  I have to remind myself that I’d rather hold him for a few minutes rather than have him really sick.  Paisley is talking more and more and it just amazes me still how much I underestimate her.  I am blessed that is for sure.

The longest Journys begin with a single step

I'm starting this blog to give you a snap shot into my crazy life in Kansas.  The miles may separate us but this blog will hopefully keep us closely connected.  I can at least give updates on everyone and the things we do :)

Life in Kansas is going well.  The weather is finally starting to change making it feel more like fall.  We are mostly unpacked with just the last few boxes left and finding places for all the little things.  So that’s what I fill my days with, that and keeping up with the "mess"....and some days I have a LOT of mess.  Kids are all good and staying active....VERY active.

Embarrassed to admit I’ve gained some weight and the truth is I can’t use baby weight as an excuse forever...the time has come.  4 years and 3 kids later I look in the mirror and do not like the reflection.  I've used stress and work and babies as excuses long enough...the buck or well calories stop here.  I don’t have an accountability partner out here so this blog is it!  Starting weight is 195 (cringe) goal is to lose 60 pounds that puts me at 135...yuck!  Seems so daunting but I know it’s possible...walked two miles today and will reevaluate meals I eat and serve to my kids.  The longest journeys begin with a single step.  So here we go....step one..........!